GAGA

(Lights up on a hospital room. GABRIEL, wearing oxygen mask, is resting in one bed, REX in another. CHARDONNAY pokes her head in, places a boom-box on the floor and turns it on. “I Will Survive” begins playing. CHARDONNAY prances in lip-synching. GABRIEL and REX are startled awake. They try to get CHARDONNAY to stop, finally succeed. She turns off the sound.)

Chardonnay

That’s enough for now. Darling!

(CHARDONNAY goes to GABRIEL’s bed, gives him a big hug and air kisses.)

Chardonnay

Gabriel! Are you surprised to see me?

GABRIEL

Ow! Hi. Agh!

REX

I’ve died and gone to Hell.

Chardonnay

How are you, Sweetheart!? You look, um. How are you!?

Gabriel

Uh. Not so good.

Rex

Especially since the evil, bastard spawn of the Cockettes cantered in.

Chardonnay

Oh, and who do we have burbling over in the corner? I don’t believe you’ve had the pleasure. My name is Chardonnay. I’ll be your in-flight entertainment for today.

Rex

Mayday. Mayday.

Chardonnay

Always love a maypole. Now Gabriel, Precious. Tell Lady Donnay all about it. How are you feeling?

Gabriel

Ugh! The meds were working, but they gave me neuropathy. So then my feet started killing me. I begged for morphine.

Chardonnay

Yum!

Gabriel

They couldn’t set up an IV at home right away, so here I am.

Rex

Better turn the morphine dial up to “outer ozone".

Chardonnay

Palliative care. It’s not all that bad. More... “Philadelphia” than "ER", though.

Gabriel

All in all, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.

Chardonnay

I’ve heard that before.

Rex

It’s from a gravestone.

Chardonnay

Well, I’ve played some tough rooms in my day.

Rex

And now you've finally found the perfect venue.

Chardonnay

Why Gabriel, I do believe your little friend is teasing us ever so slightly. And we haven’t yet been introduced.

Gabriel

That’s uh, uh...

Rex

Rex.

Chardonnay

(Purrs.)

Gabriel

Rex. This is my friend, uh ...

Chardonnay

He knows my name. Don’t you, R-R-R-R-R-Rex?

Rex

Who could forget? Finally, the upside of dementia.

Chardonnay

Did you ever manage to catch my act? I headline down at the Wiggle Room.

Rex

Oh, yeah. I think I was there once. Sunday nights, right?

Chardonnay

Right!

Rex

With ping pong balls.

Chardonnay

Naughty boy. Gabriel. Did you hear that? Oh, Darling. You look so tired. How are you doing?

Gabriel

I am tired.

Chardonnay

Well that’s why I came by. To cheer you up. Look I brought you some goodies. We've got some fruity lip balm. Snackwells. And look, the new A+F catalog. I know how you flip over those boys. Oh, and a little real porno, too. Just in case.

Gabriel

(Groans) Can I have lip balm?

(CHARDONNAY puts some lip balm on GABRIEL.)

Chardonnay

Mmmmm. Loganberry. You know, you could use a little blush, Sweetheart. Let’s see what we’ve got. (Rummages through her bag, finds a mirror, checks herself out.) The lighting you've got in here is not the best. (Finds some blush and applies it to GABRIEL’s cheeks.) So you caught my show. What did you think?

Rex

I told my friend, it was one in a million.

Chardonnay

Great! Great! You know, we perform twice a week now. We're there on Mondays, too.

Rex

I’ll keep that in mind if I ever get out of here.

Chardonnay

That’s no way to talk.

Rex

Why? It’s true.

Chardonnay

You’ll be back on your feet in no time. I want you to come and see me again. You just tell me when and I’ll put your name on the list.

Rex

The list? Do they have a cover now?

Chardonnay

No, but still, I like a list.

Rex

We’ll see.

Chardonnay

It’ll do you good.

Rex

Well, if I need an emetic.

Chardonnay

That’s the spirit! (to GABRIEL) There. That’s much better. Now you look like...

Rex

Baby Jane Hudson?

Chardonnay

(Sings and dances) “I’ve written a letter to Daddy. His address is heaven above.” Oops! My bad! Gabriel, how long are they going to keep you in this dorm?

Gabriel

There's an infection in my lungs, now.

Chardonnay

It's always something. “One in a million.” So you really liked my show.

Rex

World class.

Chardonnay

Really! Did you hear that Gabriel?

Rex

Yeah. Like I said to my friend, now we can say we've seen the saddest-ass queen in the whole freaking world.

Chardonnay

Everyone's a critic. I suppose you could do better.

Rex

In here I could do better!

Chardonnay

I’m taking you off the list.

Rex

My dismal luck.

Chardonnay

(To GABRIEL) How you doing, Sweetie? Let’s give you a little massage. (begins to rub GABRIEL’s feet)

GabRIel

AAAAUUUUGGGHHHH!

Chardonnay

Sorry! Not good. Not good. Do you mind if I smoke? These places give me-- (shudders, takes out cigarette)

Rex

That’s oxygen he’s on. Light up now and you’ll take out half of Cow Hollow.

Chardonnay

I’m sorry, Sweetie. Biology was never one of my strong subjects.

Rex

They teach biology at the Institute of Cosmetology?

Chardonnay

Who ever thought it would come to this, huh?  Rex, did you know we -- Gabriel and me -- we were lovers for a time?

Rex

That’s a scary thought.

Chardonnay

A short time. Right, Slugger? We were together, what? – ten, twelve hours? Not long. I never really understood why things didn’t work out between us.

Gabriel

I don’t know.

Chardonnay

I was completely gaga when we met.

Rex

And now look at you.

Chardonnay

If we had moved in together, maybe all this (makes sweeping gesture with arm) ... wouldn’t have happened. But, then I probably wouldn’t have started performing either. Think how many devoted fans would have been crushed! In a mysterious way, I guess things do work out for the best.

Gabriel

Thanks for coming.

Chardonnay

Honey. It’s the least I can do for an old flame. How are you doing? Do you ever wonder how our lives would have been different if we had tried? Really tried? If we'd taken a chance on love?

Gabriel

Not really. I wouldn’t have met Antonio.

Chardonnay

Oh Miss Cochabamba! You know, none of us could figure out – forgive me, Sweetie, but now is no time for keeping our little secrets from each other, is it? – None of us could figure out what kept you and that dismal little tramp (may she rest in peace) what the hell kept you together all those years.

Gabriel

Great sex.

Chardonnay

Oh Gabriel! As Ava Gardner says, deep down you really are superficial. But truly. What made you gooney over her?

Gabriel

A big hunk of meat.

Chardonnay

Are you getting this, Rex? Do you see what I was up against?

Rex

No contest.

Chardonnay

Gabriel, be serious for once. We could have made beautiful music together.

Gabriel

I don’t know. I was young. Not ready to settle down. With anyone.

Chardonnay

(To Rex) What exactly do you mean by "saddest-ass"?

Rex

Most pathetic? Worst-dressed? Most indecipherable act? People barfing in the first row?

Chardonnay

You have a very feisty roommate, Gabriel. (whispers) I think he likes me.

Gabriel

I wouldn’t get my hopes up.

Chardonnay

He’s been to my show.

Gabriel

I don’t think it’s very promising to cruise the palliative care unit.

Chardonnay

That’s your problem, Gabriel. You have to be open to love wherever it finds you.

Gabriel

I feel tired.

Chardonnay

But I haven’t given you my special treat yet.

Gabriel

There’s more?

Chardonnay

I wasn’t sure I would do it because I didn’t know how much energy you’d have.

Gabriel

I’m exhausted.

Chardonnay

But you look so chipper now that we’ve given you some color. This won’t take long. And Rex should have a chance to see the new material I’ve been working on.

Rex

I have gone to Hell.

Chardonnay

You know, Gabriel. There’s so very, very much that’s come between us over the years, and I know, we’re not always the best at expressing the feelings we hold deep, buried inside us. (Begins playing “Wind Beneath My Wings” by Bette Midler on boom-box) That's why, sometimes, it’s best to just let our art do the speaking for us. This song, this one's dedicated to you, Gabriel, a man who holds a very special place in my heart.

(CHARDONNAY lip-syncs, emoting as earnestly as possible. She begins playing to GABRIEL, then shifts focus to REX, who struggles out of bed and exits.)

“It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
You always walked a step behind.
 
“So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strain.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.
 
"Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
for you are...””

(NURSE and REX enter. NURSE turns off boom-box, REX gets back into bed. GABRIEL’s eyes are closed.)

Nurse

I’m sorry, Sir.

Chardonnay

Who are you calling sir?

Nurse

Who's she trying to kid? Alright, Miss. You can’t do this here. You’ll have to leave.

Chardonnay

I’m just visiting my ... ex-lover, boyfriend, squeeze.

Nurse

I’m sorry. Visiting hours are over.

Chardonnay

For family?

Nurse

Are you family?

Chardonnay

We were almost domestic partners.

Nurse

Well you can almost stay. But not quite.

Chardonnay

Gabriel, Gabriel. It might have turned out so different.

Nurse

Believe me, it is different. Don’t forget to collect your personal belongings before you depart.

CHArdonnay

It’s not the first time I’ve had sleepers in the audience.

Rex

And it won't be the last.

(CHARDONNAY gathers belongings and goes to GABRIEL, kisses his forehead.)

Chardonnay

Gabriel? (no response)

Rex

Your routine has quite an impact on people.

Chardonnay

He's not...?

Nurse

(Checks GABRIEL's pulse) Not yet!

Chardonnay

I'll be back then. I wouldn't want him to be alone. And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest, Sweet Prince. Stay well.

(CHARDONNAY approaches REX who recoils.)

Chardonnay

Don’t worry. You’ll always be on the list.

REX

If you say so.

Chardonnay

There’s something about a feisty convalescent that makes me... I don't know. (blows REX a kiss, exits)

Nurse

Gaga?

(“Wind Beneath My Wings” fades in. NURSE checks GABRIEL’s pulse again. Lights fade.)

(End of Play)

©2004 Cass Brayton. All rights reserved.