THE SADNESS OF QUEENS WHEN WEEKENDS ARE OVER
(Darkness. CHA CHA stands glaring at her phone. Lights slam on.)
Cha Cha
Ring damn you!
What are you waiting for?
There are two things in this world
you’re supposed to be able to do—
to talk and to ring!
So what is wrong with you?
Why won’t you ring?
(DESIREE wanders on. CHA CHA paces.)
Desiree
Monday night.
The saddest-ass night of the week for a queen.
On Monday night, there’s nothing to do.
Nothing to do but flounder
in those emotional riptides
that swirl and lacerate.
And watch the weekend ebb further and further
out of reach.
Cha Cha
Why don’t you jingle or jangle or something?
Are you so stupid?
Did you miss that day in telephone school?
Maybe you’re mad at me.
Angry I left you alone for two days.
Two days alone to suffer in silence?
Is that it?
Am I to pay for the solitude
I imposed upon you?
Perhaps you’re not well.
Laryngitis telephonicus?
What if I hold you, exalted son of Mercury?
Hold you and stroke you,
caress your sleek creamy body, so lustrous?
Rub you and shine every curve, every crevice,
cause you to glow like the tiara on a princess?
If I warm you and soothe you,
cradle your powerful shaft—
(Phone rings. CHA CHA waits anxiously for another ring before answering.)
Cha Cha
Hola?
Desiree
What are you doing?
Cha Cha
Desirée?
Desiree
Who’d you expect? Regis Philbin?
Cha Cha
No.
Desiree
What’re you doing?
Cha Cha
Me?
Desiree
You? Yes you, Cha Cha. Are you still tripped out?
Cha Cha
Of course not!
Desiree
What are you doing?
Cha Cha
Nothing.
Desiree
I’m coming down.
Cha Cha
Why?
Desiree
I know that tone of voice. I’m on my way.
(DESIREE hangs up.)
Cha Cha
I’m busy. I’m cleaning... (hangs up)
Desiree
There’s a certain kind of queen--
well, any kind of queen really--
who doesn’t function well
if she doesn’t have an audience.
For such a person, Monday is a cruel ordeal.
The torturous night of the week
when the lights go dark,
the clubs are empty,
when everyone’s dressed like they
just came from an interview
for a job they really, really didn’t want to get.
When the only thing with sparkle
is the Alka-Seltzer burbling in a glass.
This is Monday.
This is when you need the company of a sister.
(to CHA CHA) I couldn’t find you yesterday.
Cha Cha
No?
Desiree
You didn’t answer the phone, or door. Did you get my messages?
Cha Cha
I wasn’t home.
Desiree
I lost track of you at the club Saturday.
Cha Cha
Me and everything else. You passed out again, didn’t you?
Desiree
I may have drifted off a little in the mood room.
Cha Cha
Mmm-hmm.
Desiree
So where were you yesterday?
Cha Cha
Yesterday?
Desiree
Did you come home?
Cha Cha
Eventually.
Desiree
We all come home eventually.
Cha Cha
Whether we want to or not.
Desiree
(Beat) Who is it this time?
Cha Cha
You don’t know him.
Desiree
Do you?
Cha Cha
You were with someone at the club.
Desiree
I was?
Cha cha
I watched you drag him into the mood room.
Desiree
Oh, Walter. I hope he didn’t take advantage of me.
Cha Cha
Does it matter?
Desiree
Not really. The only part that really excites me anyway is the conquest. Going in for the kill. To look in the eyes of my prey and mesmerize him, intoxicate him with my irresistible allure.
Cha Cha
He looked intoxicated.
Desiree
The anticipation that this one, this strange new animal, he will be mine. Doing the nasty? I can take it or leave it. It’s all denouement.
Cha Cha
Oh not for me.
Desiree
So where’d you go? His place? Some fabulous hotel? A cozy B&B?
Cha Cha
He has a condo.
Desiree
Aw-w-w! A little love nest.
Cha Cha
Not so little. It’s nice. Real nice. Not all junked up with chatchke and frou-frou. So clean and so bright. Spare.
Desiree
(Snores)
Cha Cha
Not a place you would appreciate.
Desiree
Is it comfortable?
Cha Cha
The bed is.
Desiree
Big TV I bet.
Cha Cha
Gigantic. Everything was gigantic.
Desiree
Has he called you? What’s his name?
Cha Cha
George.
Desiree
A name that reeks with the stench of masculinity. Jorge.
Cha Cha
George.
Desiree
So?
Cha Cha
Not yet.
Desiree
He’ll probably call when the football game’s over.
Cha Cha
You think?
Desiree
Unless he’s changing the oil in his Hummer.
Cha Cha
He’s not like that.
Desiree
Really?
Cha Cha
He’s different.
Desiree
They’re ALL different.
Cha Cha
You always tear down my chances. I know how to make a man smile. How to make his heart sing.
Desiree
As much singing as he can do when he’s-- You know it’s hard to warble love-sick arias with your face buried in a mattress.
Cha Cha
Don’t you think I deserve a chance to be happy?
Desiree
Does it make you happy to sit at home waiting for the phone to ring? Look, I brought some new—
(DESIREE holds out some lipstick and nail polish.)
Cha Cha
--I’m not waiting for the phone to ring. I’m busy cleaning. Which I should finish.
(CHA CHA turns away from DESIREE.)
Desiree
--I found some new colors today. They’d go good with that slinky outfit I wore last week. You could borrow it Saturday.
Cha Cha
Maybe. If I decide to go out.
Desiree
Let’s go up to my place. You can try it on.
Cha Cha
Not tonight.
Desiree
(Dialing her cell phone then hiding it) Because you’ve got too much housework to do.
Cha Cha
I have!
(CHA CHA’s phone rings. They wait looking at each other and at the phone.)
Desiree
Should I--
Cha Cha
No!
Desiree
If you want me to see who—
Cha Cha
Do you think it’s...?
Desiree
Who do I look like? Madame Blavatsky? Don’t answer that!
Cha Cha
(Picks up the phone and turns away from DESIREE) Hola?
Desiree
(Exaggeratedly deep and monotonous voice) This is George. Want to go with me to see the Niners?
Cha Cha
(Slamming down phone) It’s not a bad thing to want to be with someone, to be in love. It’s normal. It’s what most people want, isn’t it? It’s what I want.
Desiree
To be normal?
Cha Cha
Yes.
Desiree
Love and normal. Two different things. Do you think if you settle down one day in a nice big SPARE condo and stay home and keep it clean and chase away the chatchkes -- if you do all that, do you think you’ll be more happy? Are you so unhappy now?
Cha Cha
Not unhappy. But alone. Now I’m alone. (Beat. They stare at each other.) You know what I mean.
Desiree
You’re a fool if you wait for someone to provide you your happiness. Besides. Happiness is overrated. Who needs it when you can be having fun?
Cha Cha
Great choice.
Desiree
It’s only a choice because of the tight-ass way you define happiness. You want a husband--
Cha Cha
A lover.
Desiree
If you say so. You want a lover, someone to carry you away from your squalid, dismal existence and plant you in his gleaming, pristine and VACANT little life. Either way--
Cha Cha
No! I want someone who’ll build a life together.
Desiree
But you’ll have to move into his world, won’t you? You couldn’t bring him here. No room. Too much frou frou.
Cha Cha
You do this every time. Every time I have a chance of happiness, every time I meet someone I like, someone who wants me.
Desiree
That’s right. Every Monday night like clockwork.
Cha Cha
Me, Desi, me. Not some over-dressed painted creature out for kicks on Saturday night. I want someone to see the real person—the real me--not some--some mask.
Desiree
But you don’t dare go out looking for him without the mask. When are you going to realize the mask isn’t an act, it’s the real you?
Cha Cha
A part of me. Just a part.
Desiree
A real part.
Cha Cha
It’s fun. More than fun. It’s fantastic! But I’m somebody without the make-up or the drag or the, the—
Desiree
Fabulousness?
Cha Cha
I’m somebody on Monday, too. A me who wants to settle down, to be with someone – to love someone – why does that person mean nothing to you?
Desiree
You’re so much bigger than that. You’re so much more fabulous than someone who only wants to stay home and knit booties. Is that part of it too? A litter of junior Cha Chas to mess up the precious condo?
Cha Cha
It’s not so far-fetched.
Desiree
And where are you gonna get their clothes? Foxy Lady for Kids? (They hug each other.) M’ijo. You’ll find him. Don’t sit around wasting time waiting for it to happen.
Cha Cha
On Mondays, why does everything feel so far out of reach? Sundays, it feels like you’re almost there, then...
Desiree
They move the goalposts?
Cha Cha
Is that what they do in football?
Desiree
I guess so. People always talk about it.
Cha Cha
I’ll ask George.
Desiree
Yeah. Impress him with those Inside Football questions.
Cha Cha
Show me what you bought me.
Desiree
I didn’t buy it for you, I said it would look good on you.
(DESIREE hands the make-up to CHA CHA.)
Cha Cha
If it looks better on me, I should be the one to have it.
Desiree
But if you don’t wear it, it’ll just go to waste.
Cha Cha
I don't know about Saturday but I could use it for Trannyshack tomorrow.
Desiree
Let’s go see how it looks with that sheath, if it fits.
Cha Cha
(Exiting) Of course it fits. You know that dress will look so much better on me. (Exits)
(DESIREE whips out cell phone and dials. CHA CHA’s phone rings. He hurries back in. DESIREE dangles the cell phone at him. They smile, CHA CHA exits. DESIREE’s cell phone rings.)
Desiree
Monday Crisis Intervention. We make house calls. ... Who? Oh, Walter. ... Like what? ... The Castro? Oh, the Almodóvar. Sorry, Saturdays are out. ... Sure. Maybe. Ciao. (exits)
(Lights fade. End of play.)
©2003 Cass Brayton. All rights reserved.
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